We think negotiation is for business people. We imagine negotiations in boardrooms debating contracts. The truth is you're negotiating all day, every day. Most of us are terrible at it.
Think about it. A friend texts, "Let's meet tomorrow at that new restaurant across town for lunch." Sounds friendly, right?
Take notice of what just happened: Your friend decided where — across town — and when — tomorrow at lunch. If you simply say yes, you'll spend tomorrow rushing somewhere you didn't choose at a time that wasn't convenient.
As a philology enthusiast, I can reveal something I consider splendid: Almost any negotiation involves pairs of question words. Whoever controls at least one word from each pair controls the situation. The pairs are where and when, what and how, and who and how much.
Master these six words, and you'll master your calendar, workload and peace.
Where and When: The Geography of Your Life
Here's the principle: If someone tells you where, you decide when. If someone tells you when, you decide where.
For example, a friend sees your social media posts and writes, "Let's meet tomorrow for lunch at this great place on the other side of town!" They’re controlling both question words.
You can negotiate by saying, "I'd love to see you! How about next week?" You're giving them the where but taking back the when. Or, "Tomorrow works great; let's meet at this café near where I'm staying." You're giving them the when but taking back the where.
Scripture gives us permission for these boundaries. Eccl. 3:1 says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." Jesus modeled this. When crowds demanded His presence, He often withdrew to solitary places. He controlled His where and when.
If you always let others decide your location and schedule, you'll either end up where you don't want to be or constantly rushing to keep up with someone else's timeline.
What and How: The Workplace Wisdom
This pair is critical for work relationships. Bosses and clients control the what — they'll tell you exactly what needs to happen. Don't waste energy fighting the what. Instead, negotiate the how.
"You want this report finished? Great. Here's how I'll approach it," you can respond. You've given them their what, but you're controlling the method, timeline or process.
Prov. 16:3 says, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans." Notice it doesn't say, "Let others establish your plans." When we seek Holy Spirit guidance on the how, we maintain integrity while serving others well.
This is stewardship of your expertise, your time and your mental energy. You'll have happy bosses and clients while setting the pace.
Who and How Much: The Currency of Attention
This final pair determines whether others own your time or you do.
When someone says, "How much time will this take?" or "How many hours do you need?" you respond with who will handle it. If you're leading a team and a client wants extensive work, say, "I'll assign this to so-and-so on my team."
Conversely, if someone says, "I need you for this project," you respond with how much time you'll dedicate. "I can give three hours on Thursday afternoon."
Jesus demonstrated this brilliantly. When demands multiplied, He chose the 12. He defined who — the disciples — and how much of Himself He could invest in them. He said no to many good things — such as healing all the sick at the pool of Bethesda — to say yes to God's best things — like focusing on the salvation of humanity at Calvary.
The Stewardship Connection
Before you say this is manipulation, please let me say that it's about faithful stewardship of the life God gave us. Eph. 5:15–16 instructs us: "Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity."
Every time you let someone else control all the question words in a conversation, you're surrendering stewardship of your time, energy and calling. Good stewardship is about having the sanctified backbone to maintain boundaries, seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in daily negotiations and protect the time God gave you for His purposes.
Paul wrote in Gal. 1:10, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God?" We negotiate our lives either seeking everyone's approval or seeking faithful stewardship of what God entrusted to us.
The next time someone proposes plans, notice which words they are controlling. Then kindly negotiate one back. You'll discover that power over your life begins with six simple words.
Every day can be wonderful when you steward your time as faithfully as your money.
